I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPEN TO ME..

i don't know what the hell with me..i just sad without a reason..

i think the only thing that i will sad for = friendship..
or..for loving emily?


it is no reason for me to sad for family isn't it? 
i have argue with them long time ago didn't i?
they changed..didn't they? 
i don't know what the hell with me..for just dislike them..
i like the life style like this.. i like then reply..
don't like then go on..no reply..just like didn't hear it..
it make me scold and nag by all my family..who cares? 
i just..dislike the word "family"..!! it is stupid.. 
but..i did like my school family..that created by my friends..why?
there were no reason for me to dislike them ?!
i don't know..i don't like that they always talk about others' bad..
i don't like that they were unfair..
i don't like that the way they "care" about me..
i don't like that they nag and scold too many..
i don't like that they ask too many..it is unnecessary..didn't it?
i don't like that they didn't do what they promise to me.. ALL THE TIME..
it make me hurt..in my deep heart..it make me wanna cry out in the midnight..but i didn't..i can't..there are no tears in my eyes..

for emily..yes..she is a kind leader in my mind..while i just meet her..
and now..i was wondering that..am i really like her..? 
or..i dislike her just like dislike my family???
she is the one who brought "us" to UBK..
she is the one who make me changed..
she is the one who make me sad..
i changed..to care about my sj marks as she say a word " don't fail "
i changed..i didn't cut anymore when i think about her..
i changed..that i didn't do a devil anymore..i wasn't naughty as before anymore..
i changed..to kill my heart..and make it die..!! i know she won't care about me..
but..i didn't think before was.. ....... sad..  
she make me choose..that something is cruel for me..
that i don't think i will know how to choose for it..
EMILY..I LIKE YOU..BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I WON'T GO AGAINST YOU..
i won't let you go if you hurt my friends..emily..remember about it..



for friendship..am i feeling sad for friendship? why?
i did have many friends didn't i?
i did go insane with them didn't i?
i did enjoy the sweet memory-able time with them..didn't i???
then why am i feeling sad..?
maybe..it is because..? yea..all my relationship going cold now..
i am so sad..and hurt to see it..
"they"..the nearest friends to me..in this year..at the head of the year..
gone cooler and cooler to me..i am so sad..what did i did wrong? 
it started..when she get tuition with her..
it started..when they chatting in the night..
it started..after he came to her..
it started..after i become nearer friends to him..
and..everything started to change.."they" started get cooler and cooler to me..
it hurts..a lot..i am so sad..i noticed it..long time ago..but i can't do anything..
it is impossible to call me leave my friends..please.."you two" did know well about me right?
you know i like friends the most..aren't you? why are you still calling me to leave my friends?


i am typing till here..and..my tears..had finally roll down..
an early sorry..sorry if i broke the promises again and cut myself..
please don't blame me..i can't control it..it was tiring..the stress..
i can't cry out..can't tell "the person"..as..she was cooler and cooler for me nowadays..
i can't get it..why? can anyone tell me? i have suffering for it..for weeks..i don't like it..
i did grad my hand to the sky..at the night..before i sleep..
and i was hoping..to grab back my things..one day..